NZ flogging off bits of Moon to avert asset sales political poisoned chalice
By Pullet Surprise News Agency
Prime Minister John Goldfischkey and former Kapiti schoolgirl and current Minister of Business and Other Stuff and a minister of other stuff from time to time too, Joyce Stevens, have announced the first issue of Moon Bonds and have declared 'this radical and innovative enterprise' as 'New Zealand's salvation in these troubled times.'
'It's a win-win situation,' the prime minister told Pullet Surprise. 'There'll be cash sloshing around everywhere with the wealth these bonds will bring. So nobody will really notice or care as we help our global mates scoop up vital assets like energy and water at fire-sale prices.
'So we win for sure. And Kiwis in general won't care about paying through the nose for power and water because there's all this moon money sloshing around in the economy and it's all a big blur with 24/7 megahype TV and computer games etcetera etcetera going on. And don't forget fluoride's impact on critical thinking ability! So you all think you're winning even if you're losing. It's the thought that counts.'
Ms Stevens then explained explain how Moon Bonds work.
'So let's say you buy a piece of paper – like a certificate of title or something like that – that says 'this piece of moon is yours and it's worth a million dollars,' she said. 'But you can have it for ten thousand because there's only a 1% chance the validity of this piece of paper would not be questioned. A bit like money in fact. It's based on faith.
'In reality, using risk assessment, the actuarial calculations for the value of Moon Bonds would be much more complex but I hope you get my point. These bonds would have some residual value because there's always some idiot out there with cash in their pocket who'll believe anything.
'Moon Bonds are ownership titles to specified parcels of moon surface to a depth of ten metres. It's all scientifically and securely measured, and, we think, legally managed – plain old real estate. The beauty is we, the Government, didn't need to spend or borrow in order to obtain these parcels. We just did some surveys using NASA moon survey data and, doing a pro-rata calculation based on our relative land and sea portion of the Planet, have identified and claimed a chunk near the Sea of Tranquillity on this side and another bit on the other side. To stake our claim we just put it up on Spacebook. By the way Treasury has calculated total sales will bring in 55 to 65 billion dollars over a four year period. That's a lot of oohjah!'
'Moon Bonds should be worth something simply as legal nuisance value if some business like a lunar mining company wants to scoop up and process some Helium 3 laden moon dust on your patch,' added Mr Goldfischkey. 'They would just buy you out to avert legal challenge. This government is putting aside a hefty legal defence fund from a proportion of the sales which our bond holders can draw from to enhance their legal muscle and beef up the bonds' legal nuisance value.
'The bonds will be open to investors anywhere in the world. Otherwise how could we bring in so much dosh? And I fully expect and hope there will be Treaty of Waitangi claims for parcels of these bonds. Such claims would serve to validate the bonds and so we've been putting feelers out and expect to incentivise some key players in that area to encourage their participation.'
Ms Stevens noted that this development will bring in 'parallel business opportunities.'
'For example, and I don't know the details because I'm not formally involved, but I understand a number of my former business associates have somehow gotten wind of this thing and are proposing setting up a brokerage to help manage the sale process. I'm quite looking forward to that.'
'Me too!' added Mr Goldfischkey. 'I might snap up a few Moon Bonds myself once I hand power over to Ms Stevens and retire in Hawai'i after the next election. Hey! Don't print that bit eh!'
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