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Food Fanatic Goes Mad
By From Pullet Surprise News Agency

Police have arrested an unnamed man for injury to a dairy cow.

Police say the man will appear in the Palmerston North District Court on Monday, and it is expected the judge will order psychiatric examination. 'This is normal in such puzzling cases' said a Police spokesperson.

According to a Horowhenua dairy farmer a half-naked man invaded his property just as the cows were being rounded up for their late afternoon milking.

The farmer, who prefers to remain anonymous, spoke to Pullet Surprise. 'Well I was just rounding up the cows and I see this crazy mad bugger heave himself over the fence and runs flat into the middle of the herd. There was a hell of a commotion. By the time I got there I find this guy on the ground with a mouth full of rawhide and blood all over his face and chest. He bloody took a bite out of the arse of one of my best Friesians. She won't be giving good milk for a few days. I had to separate her from the herd. Pisses me off.'

Pointing to a collection of buildings about one kilometre away he said, 'It's that bloody lot over there. They should be shot. You should see what they get up to – rubbing themselves against apples trees and slithering in the dirt, not to mention their weird stunts with those poor goats of theirs. Sick bastards.'

Pullet Surprise visited the farmer's neighbour, Prana Paradise Centre, and asked Coordinator Ravapurna Smith about the incident. 'It's most unfortunate this occurred and we unreservedly regret and apologise for it. No-one expected this would happen.

'You see, as you may probably know, living objects channel a force we call Prana or, loosely-translated, life-force. But it also relates to the energy properties that fresh food can impart to the human body, soul, and mind. In simple terms, the fresher the food, the greater the benefit to the person who partakes of it. Here at Prana Paradise our guests practise meditation and are taught to discern the aura that accompanies each living thing. Therefore when it comes to food a piece of fruit actually growing on a tree or vine appears more delicious and appealing than one that has been harvested.'

Ms Smith explained as she guided us around the centre's grounds. 'You see those people over there? They're actually eating the lettuce while it's growing in the ground. And that woman up there on the ladder – she's having desert from the apple tree.'

We asked Ms Smith about how clients ate foods like potatoes that needed cooking. 'We're still working on that,' she said 'but some of our really keen people don't mind a face full of soil and some grit in their mouth for a nice carrot in the ground. We need to tighten our procedures though. For example just yesterday a child here hurt his face on a greenhouse pineapple. We can't have that can we?

'But getting back to the incident with our guest … Look! If you study those cows over there you can see the magnificent auras they emit. I feel it has something to do with his unresolved craving for flesh based protein. We're all are non meat eaters here. We have organic eggs and goat's milk among the proteins in our diet, but I think it was just too much for him, poor fellow.

'Perhaps we should have seen the warning signs last week when one of our facilitators caught him trying to coax the yet-to-be-laid egg out of a rather distressed pullet. I won't go into particulars. If only he'd been content with the fresh milk our goats provide we wouldn't be having this problem. In future we'll be screening our applicants more closely and I can assure you and the general public there will be no more such incidents.'

Kenny Everett (added 374 weeks ago)
Not funny at all!
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