KAPITI SATIRE - Loaded Guns for teachers - The Onion reports
FAIRFAX, VA—In the wake of Monday's tragic Nevada school shooting in which a 12-year-old student killed a teacher and wounded two classmates, representatives from the National Rifle Association pushed for all teachers around the country to keep a loaded gun pointed at their classes throughout the school day.
"The only way to ensure safety in our schools is to make sure teachers hold fully loaded firearms at students from the moment they walk into the classroom until the moment they leave," said NRA Executive Vice President Wayne LaPierre, explaining that educators should, at the very least, point one 9mm semiautomatic pistol at the class while also keeping a concealed .357 magnum revolver and several spare cartridges of ammo nearby at all times. "If teachers need to write on the board or turn the page of a textbook, they should always use their free hand while keeping the gun at face level of all students and holding one finger firmly on the trigger. Frankly, this is just common sense if we want to prevent these tragedies like Nevada from happening again in the future." LaPierre added that for maximum security, teachers should give all lessons from underneath their desks while blindly firing a semiautomatic M4 carbine assault rifle in all directions.
For more see: www.theonion.com