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TVNZ measuring strength of storm in different locations by how wet and injured their reporters become
April 2017
Weather is a thing that determines what the sky is like.

The Civilian reports


Tonight, as Cyclone Cook barrels into the East Coast of the upper North Island, TVNZ have stationed more than a dozen reporters in different parts of the country, in an effort to measure the effects of the storm based on how wet and damaged said journalists become.

From Auckland all the way down to Christchurch, TVNZ journalists have been asked to stand still in a single location for the next 12-14 hours, facing a rolling camera, and bear the brunt of their weather environment.

While primetime newsreaders like Simon Dallow and Wendy Petrie have been allowed to stay inside the Auckland studio where they have been confined for the last eight years, many journalists have been deployed as makeshift weather stations.

1 News meteorologist and ghost of a now-deceased funeral home director Dan Corbett said the arrangement was a great way to keep an eye on the storm's progress "on the fly."

"So throughout the night we'll be updating you as the cyclone tracks down the country," he explained, pointing at a large map of New Zealand. "This is the country, right here. This is what it looks like. And we'll be able to show you the different kinds of weather it's bringing to different locations based on what's happening to our wonderful men and women on the ground.

"For example, here's Chris Chang. He's in Tauranga. He's very, very wet, and he's begging for a change of clothes. We're not going to give him any, of course, so there's a lot of rain there, as you can see.

"Sam Kelway, on the other hand, he's in Edgecumbe. Not very wet, but he does have bruises all over his face from where tree branches are hitting him. You'll see there's one here, here and here. So not so much rain in Edgecumbe, at least not right now, but the winds have been up."

Will Hine, who is reporting from Whitianga, has had a request to briefly come inside because he was "cold to his bones" declined by Corbett, who said it would damage the integrity of the experiment.

As of this hour, Hines is forcibly restrained on the beach.

Veteran reporter Peter Williams, who was stationed atop Mount Maunganui, has reportedly died.

"Peter really took a beating when the worst of the winds came in late this afternoon," said Corbett. "So you'll probably find that's where it's at its worst."

Meanwhile, Newshub is covering the storm by running a 24-hour livestream of Patrick Gower telling it off.

For more great kiwi satire visit www.thecivilian.co.nz

 
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